oomori_hill | Exploring

Exploring

Gai is well aware that he stands out like a sore thumb on this...Earth, or whatever planet he's ended up on. Still, what's a warrior of light to do except explore and try to figure out what's going on?

He's made his way through parts of the city, but it feels weirdly like someone is watching him. He can't pinpoint anyone in particular, but it's...unsettling. Kind of like the way he could always "hear" someone in trouble.

Every so often, he finds a place to stop and looks around.

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“It gets worse, then it gets better.”

Gai’s silent for a while, thinking about how much is encapsulated in that.

“I... I actually have hope, now.”

There is a lot of meaning in those few words. Right now, Gai feels like he's on the edge. It's not that he doesn't believe in Juggler. It's just that he hadn't ever considered that there was darkness in there, and now that he's seen it, he's already beginning to understand it's a lot darker there than he ever could have imagined.

"So I won't give up on him."

“Please don’t. He needs you. You need him, too.”

He’s not sure how much to say. Oh, why not. If he can’t say these words to his younger self.....

“You love him, right?

Well.

Those...are words.

Words he does not know how to deal with right now.

"..."

Why is he always so bad with words?

Gai watches him for a moment, then turns away to (somewhat) mask the laugh.

"I, uh, I don't think I've ever seen that expression from the outside before. It's okay. You don't have to know yet."

That's a good thing, because he still hasn't quite figured out again how words work.

Just...words.

Gai smiles at him, wry and tired.

"You wouldn't've been so upset about all the mistakes you made with him, if you didn't care about him on some level. He was your friend for a long time, yeah? Just think about it. Maybe you can manage talking to him better than I did."

He could hardly do it worse.

"I'd have to find him first. I lucked out, with him saving me on the ship. Somehow, I think it'll be harder this time."

"You lucked out because he saved you, or because he saved you?"

"Because it was him."

And not just because it meant that Gai had found him, but so much more.

"I don't think many others would have been as willing to insist on saving me, even with the ship about to explode and kill us both. Or someone who'd make sure we both survived in that case."

Gai smiles, just a little, at that.

"I'm glad it all worked out," he says quietly. "For your sake, and mine. It's so strange getting your opinion on things I remember from so long ago."

"It's strange for me too, looking to myself for guidance," he admits.

"Especially when we're pretty good at talking to others about them, but not about ourselves, right?"

It's so weird. If Gai were another younger person, then he'd have no problem being comfortable supporting them. He'd have no problem with encouragement, and being positive. Knowing it's himself (or, if he's from an alternate universe, one close enough to make no difference) means he has just gone face first into all his usual hangups about his own needs and wants.

He's better about all of that than he was, but thousands of years of conditioning don't get fixed up quite that easily.

Gai nods, though a little hesitant. It also doesn't help that he has a feeling that his older self is holding back a little, just to prevent him from changing the future.

...he can ask about that, if he wants. He can ask about any of it. Gai's concened about that, certainly, but he also doesn't want any of them to go through any bullshit that can be avoided.

He'd feel more anxious about himself going back and changing something, but giving this Gai knowledge, where he could maybe save lives? Could maybe do something better? Then that feels different.

"You said you have hope now."

Which, of course, implies that there was a point where it seemed like all hope was lost.

"Is there a chance I won't lose that?"

Phew.

“I think,” he says, choosing his words carefully, “that if you know that Juggler comes back, it’ll help.”

That's...frustrating. But at the same time, he can understand it.

"Is there anything else I should keep in mind when that happens?"

“I think you’re not asking what you want to know,” Gai says questioningly. He thinks they’ve misunderstood somewhere and other him has an impression that he didn’t mean to give.

That's likely. There's a lot of chance for this to happen, after all, so Gai tries again.

"I mean, how much worse is it going to get, for Juggler? Is there something I can do to help before it happens?"

Gai exhales in a big gust of air, and nods.

"If you can, it'd help him, and the others he ends up hurting. I tried to find him..."

He pauses, closes his eyes for a moment, then opens them again. "...but I obviously didn't try hard enough. By the time I caught up with him again, things were very bad, and I didn't know how to fix it. He wreaks havoc, hurts people, partly to get my - our - attention. When someone's coming at you like that, it's difficult to do anything but defend. But he's still in there. He's still good, underneath, and if the two of you can actually find the right things to say to each other earlier than I did with mine, then you could avoid centuries of unnecessary pain. And don't... don't let him provoke you into killing him."

It sounds a lot worse than Gai thought.

"Our attention? But why?" After all, they looked for him--how can Juggler just say that he wants Gai's attention if he won't be found?

The last part breaks through the shock with a sudden sense of dread.

"Kill him? I'd never... How can he even think that?"

"I... it's complicated."

It's not something he's really figured out in too much detail even just talking to himself. Let alone talking to someone else. But this someone else is also himself.... this is giving him a headache.

He has to try, though. For himself, and for himself. And for Juggler.

"I think he felt left behind, and lesser, when we became Orb. And that's not the kind of thing that can be repaired by saying 'no, of course you're still important, to me and the universe'. But maybe if I'd done that more, it might've helped. It's not going to be an easy fix."

His nose wrinkles at his younger self's reaction to that part. It was pretty horrible going through it, too. "He gets... he gets so wrapped up in hate, and a lot of it is self-hate."

It's not that unbelievable. Gai saw the shock on Juggler's face when the Light chose him, heard him ask why. He just wishes he'd figured out earlier that Juggler needed him to need him.

"That's what that darkness is, isn't it?"

Gai's eyebrows rise, and he nods slowly.

"Yeah, I think so. And I'll never forgive myself for letting him fall that far... but if I treat him like a victim who needed saving by the great Ultraman Orb, then that would hurt him worse. It's complicated. Always has been, hasn't it."

Because his younger self has seen his share of complications where Juggler is concerned. Hell, where all if it is concerned. There's always good to be done, there are always people to be helped, but there's always, always, pain, as well. Complications. Things that he can't get to. People who get hurt because the wrong words were said. Times when there are no right words. Times when he's said something stupid and can't take it back.

It's been difficult to keep going, sometimes, but that's all he has. So he does.

Complicated. Always.

Exploring

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